Author: Sowerby & Luff

Scientists have today revealed that a “dangerous new variant” of stupidity has been discovered in the UK.

“We already know that stupidity has been spreading like wildfire across the country”, one scientist told us, “But within the past few hours a new strain has begun to swiftly accelerate the transmission rate.”

“We were first alerted to this new variant when traffic wardens in Kent began issuing parking tickets to container lorries queuing to enter the Channel Tunnel.”

The fast growing new strain appears to have already spread to Downing Street, where members of the government have begun making statements and announcements that are more than 90% more stupid than those previously released.

Many European countries have closed their borders, fearing that this highly contagious new strain of stupidity may spread rapidly across an already intellectually challenged continent.

Boris Johnson is 56.

Jose Mourinho has announced that he will be appearing in Jack & the Beanstalk at the Wimbledon Theatre in December this year.

“I’ve done it all in football,” he told reporters, “But I’ve always wanted to play dame in a traditional British pantomime. I’m really looking forward to it.”

Appearing alongside Mourinho will be comedian Phill Jupitus, the Chuckle Brothers and Amanda Holden off Britain’s Got Talent.

A brand new App has gone on sale that does absolutely nothing when you click on it.

“We want to free up people’s time,” the App’s developer told us. “If there’s an application on your mobile device that you know does nothing at all, it will save you opening it, and you can use the time to do something else.”

Priced at £6.99 and available on both iPhone and Android, the App has been downloaded over four million times since its release at the beginning of May.

It’s thought other developers will now jump on the bandwagon and release further time saving applications with no functionality.