Being French – Lt. Gladys discovers the health benefits of running through a wall. Meanwhile, to the complete bafflement of the crew, Captain Monster suddenly becomes French. Of course, the ever diligent robot immediately sets about learning the language, but Alta Vista seems less than happy with the way the story is moving forward. Could it be time to consider using the Episode Reset Button?
South Korea’s military has reported that North Korea last night conducted another missile test, and this time the missile landed right in the centre of Pyongyang.
The White House says the medium-range missile had a much shorter range than those used in North Korea’s last three tests, and “made an unexpected u-turn shortly after take off.” The latest rocket flew about 100m towards the Sea of Japan, before turning back and heading for the city.
“There was one hell of a bang,” said a restaurant owner whose business is located just outside the impact crater in downtown Pyongyang. Luckily for the North Koreans the nuclear warhead on the device did not explode, and damage was limited to roughly one square mile of the city centre.
The UN Security Council have demanded that North Korea conduct no further such tests against themselves. Japanese news agencies say that the missile was fairly typical of the reliability of North Korean weapons. “More miss-destruction that mass destruction,” said one spokesperson.
Japan’s Cabinet Secretary Yoshihide Suga told a press conference “We have nothing to fear from North Korea. They couldn’t hit a pissing barn door with a beach ball.”
Kim Jong-un, Chairman of the Workers’ Party of Korea and supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, was unavailable for comment last night as it was his bath time.
A young boy who lives in Luton in Bedfordshire has decided to become a Manchester United supporter.
“I know it may seem odd to support a team from another town,” his father told us, “But the local side aren’t very exciting to watch and the Bennett family have supported the Red Devils ever since the days of George Best and Bobby Charlton.”
The Bennetts live just 300 yards from the ground of Luton Town, who play in the fourth tier of the English Football League, but none of the family has ever set foot in the stadium.
A spokesperson for Manchester United told the Daily Chronicle, “We’re delighted this lad’s taken the unusual decision to support a team that’s 170 miles from where he lives.”
He went on, “Frankly we need all the support we can get as many of the football fans who live in Manchester support Barcelona or Real Madrid.”
The cat gadget market is littered with toys, cameras and cat trackers, but here’s something a little bit different.
The CatSpeak 3000 enables you to have complex conversations with your pet, and it’s as simple as attaching a tiny matchbox-sized module to the side of the animal’s head.
Danish inventor Jorvik Dvorvik told us: “The first time I fitted the CatSpeak 3000 to my own pet we were able to have quite long and interesting discussions about wind power, cosmetic surgery and childhood obesity.”
“Unfortunately,” he went on, “The gadget puts a tremendous strain on the feline brain and is usually accompanied by crippling headaches and violent projectile vomiting.”
“On one occasion I was having a heated debate about Brexit with a three month old Siamese kitten, and its head literally exploded, leaving a sticky claret-coloured deposit all over the walls of the kitchenette.”
Although not entirely without its risks, The CatSpeak 3000 will no doubt be a massive hit with pet owners, and will be available in the shops from early next year.
Pregnant – During a routine flight in The Egg, Alta Vista announces that she is pregnant. Before long, everyone on the ship starts to give birth. Meanwhile, Yucca joins the crew of the HMS Space Planet and Captain Monster goes in search of candy on the Pinata Deck. There’s no mention of delivering carpets in this episode btw, which will probably be a huge relief to everyone.