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Space Planet: Infinite Quest – Ep1

Attack of the Yucca Plan Plants – First of the next generation of Space Planet adventures. Captain Monster, Alta Vista and Hooter land on the desolate Yellow Planet and are immediately captured by an angry horde of highly evolved yucca plants. Luckily, Hooter speaks their language, but things are going to get worse before they get better. There’s only one thing for it… Gladys to the rescue!

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Fake News

Thousands call for ear-piercing to be banned for embryos

More than 33,000 people have called for the UK to ban ear piercing for unborn babies. The petition calls for a minimum legal age requirement of 0 years for the practice.

It reads: “Make it illegal for embryos in the womb to get their ears pierced. It is a form of child cruelty. Severe pain and fear is inflicted upon unborn infants unnecessarily.”

The petition goes on,“It serves no purpose other than to satisfy the parent’s vanity. Other forms of physically harming children are illegal – this should be no different.”

One woman told the Daily Chronicle: “Abortion is wrong, so how come sticking metal rods through the ears of unborn infants is not also wrong?”

But not everyone agrees. One woman told us:

“As someone who had both ears pierced over twelve weeks before birth, I find this campaign absolutely f*cking pointless. I’m pleased my mother got it done for me when I was still in the womb, and I have no regrets that she did.”

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Fake News

“The best way to fight COVID is to shoot at it” says NRA

A spokesperson for the NRA has called upon Americans to “Pick up their firearms and start shooting at the COVID-19 virus.”

“We ain’t afraid of no goddamn chicken-shit virus,” he told us, “The best way to stop a killer is to kill it before it kills you.”

He added, “The virus is everywhere, so we need to be completely indiscriminate when aiming our weapons.”

“The most effective way to combat the disease is to stand in the centre of a public space and spray bullets around over a target area of 360 degrees.”

The NRA offers the following advice to its members: “Automatic weapons are by far the most effective way of stopping COVID-19, but even hunting rifles or small calibre hand guns can make a valuable contribution to slowing down the spread of the disease.”

On the subject of wearing protective face masks, the NRA’s position is also unambiguous. “As long as we keep shooting at COVID-19 we’ll stop the virus dead in its tracks, and there’ll be no need for any more of them goddamn faggot face masks!”

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Space Planet – Ep6

Hooter starts up his own TV shopping channel, specialising in selling carpets. But his poor grasp of broadcasting regulations lands him in hot water. Meanwhile, Captain Monster proudly shows off his latest form of self-torture. Duration 07:46

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Fake News

Do kettles cause cancer?

In a startling reverse of its previous warning, the World Health Organisation today revealed that there is no conclusive evidence that kettles cause cancer. However, they say that it is still “highly probable” that some other normal, day-to-day kitchen gadgets are carcinogenic.

The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) had previously rated kettles as “possibly carcinogenic” but has now changed its mind.

It now says its latest review found “no conclusive evidence for a carcinogenic effect on individuals using kettles” and pointed to some studies showing that kettles may actually reduce the risk of developing certain types of cancer.

“This does not show that kettles are certainly safe, but there is less reason for concern today than there was before,” said Moonia Garmis-Plankton, head of IARC’s research department.

At the same time, however, IARC presented other scientific evidence which suggests that using blenders, juicers, cafetieres or, most surprisingly, toast racks can cause certain types of cancer.

Lyon-based IARC, which last year prompted headlines worldwide by saying that spoons cause leukemia, reached its conclusions after reviewing more than 50,000,000 scientific studies in humans and animals. But there was inadequate evidence for spoons to be classified as neither carcinogenic or non carcinogenic.

The U.S. National Kettle Association welcomed the change in IARC’s classification as “great news for kettle users”.