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Scientists discover “dangerous new variant” of stupidity in the UK

Scientists have today revealed that a “dangerous new variant” of stupidity has been discovered in the UK.

“We already know that stupidity has been spreading like wildfire across the country”, one scientist told us, “But within the past few hours a new strain has begun to swiftly accelerate the transmission rate.”

“We were first alerted to this new variant when traffic wardens in Kent began issuing parking tickets to container lorries queuing to enter the Channel Tunnel.”

The fast growing new strain appears to have already spread to Downing Street, where members of the government have begun making statements and announcements that are more than 90% more stupid than those previously released.

Many European countries have closed their borders, fearing that this highly contagious new strain of stupidity may spread rapidly across an already intellectually challenged continent.

Boris Johnson is 56.

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Mourinho to play dame in pantomine at Wimbledon Theatre

Jose Mourinho has announced that he will be appearing in Jack & the Beanstalk at the Wimbledon Theatre in December this year.

“I’ve done it all in football,” he told reporters, “But I’ve always wanted to play dame in a traditional British pantomime. I’m really looking forward to it.”

Appearing alongside Mourinho will be comedian Phill Jupitus, the Chuckle Brothers and Amanda Holden off Britain’s Got Talent.

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App that does nothing is top seller on smart phones

A brand new App has gone on sale that does absolutely nothing when you click on it.

“We want to free up people’s time,” the App’s developer told us. “If there’s an application on your mobile device that you know does nothing at all, it will save you opening it, and you can use the time to do something else.”

Priced at £6.99 and available on both iPhone and Android, the App has been downloaded over four million times since its release at the beginning of May.

It’s thought other developers will now jump on the bandwagon and release further time saving applications with no functionality.

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McDonalds apologise for seal pup clubbing advert

McDonald’s has decided to withdraw its latest TV advert, which was criticised for showing a seal pup being clubbed to death.

The fast food giant had already apologised for “upset” caused by the advert, first aired a few days ago. Wildlife charity Save the Seals had “countless calls” from animal lovers saying their children had been upset by the advert and the Advertising Standards Authority said it had received over 55 million complaints.

Filmed in the Antarctic, and with a voiceover by David Attenborough, the 30 second ad features a cute, big eyed seal pup being beaten to death with a cricket bat, by a man dressed as a clown.

A spokesperson for McDonald’s said the advert will be removed from all media this week and it will review its creative process to avoid a repeat. The campaign had been scheduled to run for seven weeks at a cost of £740 million.

“It was never our intention to cause any upset,” read the statement.

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North Korea accidentally attacks itself

South Korea’s military has reported that North Korea last night conducted another missile test, and this time the missile landed right in the centre of Pyongyang.

The White House says the medium-range missile had a much shorter range than those used in North Korea’s last three tests, and “made an unexpected u-turn shortly after take off.” The latest rocket flew about 100m towards the Sea of Japan, before turning back and heading for the city.

“There was one hell of a bang,” said a restaurant owner whose business is located just outside the impact crater in downtown Pyongyang. Luckily for the North Koreans the nuclear warhead on the device did not explode, and damage was limited to roughly one square mile of the city centre.

The UN Security Council have demanded that North Korea conduct no further such tests against themselves. Japanese news agencies say that the missile was fairly typical of the reliability of North Korean weapons. “More miss-destruction that mass destruction,” said one spokesperson.

Japan’s Cabinet Secretary Yoshihide Suga told a press conference “We have nothing to fear from North Korea. They couldn’t hit a pissing barn door with a beach ball.”

Kim Jong-un, Chairman of the Workers’ Party of Korea and supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, was unavailable for comment last night as it was his bath time.